Midnight Ramblings

I’m in one of those moods again. The slow, sinking feelings of unhappiness, inadequacy and feeling like I have no direction have gradually washed over me.

I have gone from being cheery, optimistic and positive about the future and feeling like an utter failure. I’m so young yet I feel like I have wasted years of my life I would never get back. ‘If I could go back in time and reclaim those years, what would I do differently’, you might ask. The truth is I don’t know.

I would admit social media has contributed to this feeling. Scrolling through timelines and snap stories and shaking my head at the seemingly pathetic life I’m living. I sound pretty ungrateful right now but I promise this isn’t even about me having fun or anything. I simply feel like I am not living a life of purpose, not doing the things I want to do (which I don’t even know anymore) and not making my voice heard. I swear I have always known what I wanted to do in life; I’m not sure now but I just know I’ve always wanted to be recognized. I don’t know how to do that anymore though.

You see the thing about having so many interests is that it’s always difficult to pursue one. So I find myself having been through unfinished, half-completed and abandoned projects to never return again. In the meantime, I see young, smart people like me advancing in the world and doing things of note while I am here struggling to write a 5-page paper I would rather not write.

Home is several thousand miles away and I feel like when I left, I left behind my dreams, goals, and drive to do certain things. Things that are not practical here and make my dreams seem invalid. Makes me question my reason for having such dreams in the first place and wondering if I would ever be able to achieve them. I came here with no drive or ambition and even when I am able to muster some, it is very short-lived and I am back to feeling useless and very lackluster.

I feel sick.

I always feel like a bloody hypocrite. Claiming to have a passion for certain things yet I lack the ability and willpower to do those things. I would have sworn I wanted to pursue a career in public relations and media but these days I find myself questioning if that’s what I really want to do and if my passion is really as strong as I thought it was. I feel like a phony. Claiming to like certain things yet my interest in them seems so halfhearted. I question my desire for ever wanting to do those things and wonder if I would lose interest once I get into it fully and discover it’s not what I thought it was and that I don’t like it so much anymore. I wonder what I really like.

1. Am. Rambling.

I’m considering a career in an industry I know little of and bores me to death but I am compelled by the prospects of it. I am just scrambling to lay my head somewhere and build something. I have no 5-year plan anymore. 10-year maybe but I’m not so sure.

I really worry about failing which to me is never achieving even one of these ever elusive dreams and lapsing into the exact lifestyle I know I don’t want for myself. I worry about passing through this world and not being recognized for something good, for not making a mark and living a life of purpose worthy of emulation. I worry about not being celebrated. I worry that I sound a tad bit egotistical right now which is not my intention but the right words fail me. I’m not sure what really matters but I know I want to do something that matters. I have stopped depending on people’s opinions as much and am almost self reliant but I worry that my own opinion is not enough and surely cannot be fully trusted.

I would love to turn to God right now but I am not exactly feeling in that mood right now. I think I underestimate the potential of doing that to make me feel better. Either way it doesn’t feel like what I want to do right now. I’ve been listening to gospel music for the past hour hoping to get in the mood but nothing. I daresay I feel worse. Is my faith shaking? Right now. Maybe.

Generally, I just feel dissatisfied and unhappy about a lot of things. I guess the hurt and anger I felt a couple of months back has resurfaced. I have been evading this but it’s September and I cannot point to a single thing I have achieved this year besides completing 1^st year of grad school even though I was so sure I couldn’t do it. Doesn’t feel enough still. That should make me feel better but this paper I’m writing makes me remember how much I’ve despised this journey so far though I still appreciate it for the lessons I’m learning. Lessons I’m not sure I asked to learn but are very useful all the same. I look at my list of goals for the year and I feel lost again. I have no goal that feels worth going to extra lengths to achieve. I could barely set any goals at the beginning of the year because I felt so lost and didn’t know what I wanted to achieve other than getting good grades and go back to being happy. It seems like I achieved that momentarily but I still want more.

I am still not done with the paper I was determined to complete tonight. I have run out of steam and fear that the 3 pages I have written so far are full of garbage. The professor would probably sniff out my phoniness and see that I don’t really know what I’m saying, making empty arguments that hold little water. Fake graduate student. Even the degree I’m working towards feels fake and highly undeserved even though I’ve worked my ass off and still felt like a worthless piece of crap most of the time. I feel weak.

Writing this is beginning to feel exhausting, weakening and annoying so I’ll just stop rambling here.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

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